Why the "Don Colossus" is definitely not an idol (Seriously!)

It is time to snap those Bibles shut and put on your designer sunglasses.

At Trump National Doral in Miami, the "Don Colossus" has been unveiled—a subtle, 22-foot bronze figure covered in enough gold leaf to be mistaken for a supernova from Mars.

A bargain for spiritual Peace

Thanks to the generous contributions of over 6,000 patriots and a handful of cryptocurrency entrepreneurs—who are famous for their grounded and stable investment choices—sculptor Alan Cottrill’s masterpiece has finally reached its pedestal. While Cottrill himself wasn't actually invited to the dedication ceremony, who really needs the artist when you have the gold?

Honorarium, not hosannas

Pastor Mark Burns, the vocal defender of politico-theological decorum, took to X to clarify the situation immediately: "Let me say this plainly: this is not a golden calf".

Apparently, anyone drawing that comparison simply slept through Sunday school. While the biblical calf in the Book of Exodus famously enraged Moses, this 22-foot giant is merely about "honor".

It is a fine, yet vital distinction:

Worship: Sinful and idolatrous.

Honor: A perfectly legitimate act for a man who, according to Burns, enjoys the direct hand of God over his life.

To make his argument bulletproof, Burns cited Romans 13:7: "Render therefore to all their due... honor to whom honor". And who deserves more honor than a statue immortalizing the iconic fist-pump from the 2024 assassination attempt?

Modesty as a New Concept

Interestingly, the creators of the "Don Colossus" are setting new standards for political self-expression. Even historical figures often used for comparison seem almost camera-shy by contrast. During the Third Reich, while hundreds of towns renamed their squares "Adolf Hitlerplatz," Hitler himself explicitly avoided traditional public statues in favor of a cult of "self-sacrifice".

Modern patriotism is far more practical: why settle for a street sign when you can have a golden fist piercing the Florida skyline between the palm trees?

The voice from above

Fittingly, the President himself called in with a recorded message during the ceremony. He praised Burns as a "good pastor" who has been with him "from the beginning"—a title that, in these circles, is worth almost as much as the gold leaf on the statue's suit.

In the end, we are left with one realization: it’s not an idol, it’s just a landmark. It’s not a religion, it’s just... well, very, very shiny. If you see parallels to the Old Testament, you’re likely just suffering from the glare reflecting off the 22-foot surface.