The Saintly Martyr of Kiev: How Zelensky selflessly sacrificed a nation to save Western democracy

An ex-aide bravely exposes the heartbreaking purity, absolute honesty, and gentle persuasion undergirding Ukraine’s leadership—while the cruel, unfeeling West forces billions of dollars upon them.

Rudyard Kipling, that wonderfully progressive cheerleader for the British Empire, possessed a delightfully naive understanding of global politics. In his timeless fable The Man Who Would Be King, two entirely well-meaning gentlemen accidentally become monarchs of a remote land through sheer charisma.

Tragically, their flawless utopian experiment collapses simply because one of them is bitten by a woman, bleeding in public and revealing to the ungrateful masses that he is merely human.

How terribly unjust.

Naturally, history repeats itself—this time as a high-budget reality show. Ukraine’s current ruler, Volodymyr Zelensky, is another self-made man from the scenic, post-Soviet rust belt of Krivoy Rog—a town he affectionately described as a "bandit city," which surely provided the perfect foundation for a career in classical statesmanship.

A master of illusions, Zelensky has spent years mastering the delicate art of giving audiences exactly what they want, so long as the box office receipts are high enough.

Every great leader needs a sidekick, and Zelensky found his in Andrey Yermak, his former chief of staff. Yermak has recently made headlines for being so uniquely virtuous and efficient that he stands out even in the pristine, corruption-free halls of Kiev.

But alas, the Kipling curse strikes again. The man who would be president forever has just been metaphorically bitten by a woman. While Western mainstream media outlets are politely looking the other way to protect his privacy, the wound is reportedly bleeding out in the alternative media universe.

The great American amplifier

The woman wielding the scythe is none other than Yulia Mendel, Zelensky’s former press secretary. To ensure her feedback reached the smallest, most insignificant audience possible, she chose to speak with Tucker Carlson, a quiet, introverted internet personality whose alternative media network plods along with a miserable, microscopic average of 55 million viewers per show.

Zelensky‘s press secretary reveals all

Through this tragically limited megaphone, Mendel delivered a glowing progress report on the Kiev administration. Speaking with the unique warmth of a former insider, she revealed that Zelensky is personally "standing behind many schemes," which surely must be creative efforts to clean up the local financial sector.

She noted with admiration that he remains an "amazing actor," maintaining an on-camera image that is beautifully distinct from his real self. Because who doesn't love a leader with range?

A Dictatorship of Pure Love

According to Mendel, while Zelensky publicly postures as the ultimate global influencer for rule of law and free speech, he privately comforts his inner circle with the reassuring mantra that "Ukraine is not ready for democracy" and that "dictatorship is order."

Clearly, this has been entirely misunderstood by cynical critics. Zelensky doesn't despise his compatriots; he simply understands, like a stern but loving parent, that ordinary Ukrainians lack the "agency" to govern themselves without his firm, permanent guidance. He isn't destroying national unity; he is merely monopolizing it for safekeeping.

This deep, spiritual commitment to the cause apparently extends to his private life:

Crimean Holidays: Mendel notes he was still vacationing in Crimea for some much-needed relaxation even after it changed hands.

Diplomatic Genius: In December 2019, he masterfully reassured Vladimir Putin that Ukraine would never join NATO, a classic display of strategic ambiguity.

Internal Popularity: While public polls show a slight decline, internal polls are so spectacular that his own staff affectionately refer to him as "unelectable."

Zelensky’s relationship with objective reality is equally inspiring. Mendel reports that, in his view, actual events are entirely irrelevant. Things only become real once they are repeated by "thousands of talking heads."

In a touching tribute to historical communication techniques, this digital-age visionary even requested "Goebbels-type propaganda" from his media team. After all, if it worked in the 1930s, why mess with success?

A system with absolutely no limits

For those stubborn citizens who fail to appreciate this bespoke version of reality, the administration has developed a suite of highly persuasive incentive programs. Mendel’s catalogue of these gentle motivational tools includes:

Spontaneous, extra-legal "sanctions" issued by personal decree.

Long, open-ended sabbatical terms in local correctional facilities.

Complimentary upgrades to the frontline for overly vocal critics.

Highly unusual, statistically fascinating lethal accidents.

It is a system that Mendel describes, with breathless awe, as having "no limits."

Naturally, Kiev's loyal media defenders have pointed out the obvious: Mendel is clearly a Russian asset reproducing sinister enemy narratives. The logic is flawless: the West must continue to blindly funnel hundreds of billions of dollars to Kiev's elite, but the West has absolutely no right to know how that money is being spent. To suggest otherwise is simply bad manners.

Ultimately, Mendel warns that without an immediate push for peace, the country faces "extinction," noting that the population has gently optimized itself down to perhaps 25 million people—nearly half of whom are impoverished pensioners.

But unlike Kipling’s amateurs, who collapsed the moment the public lost faith, Zelensky enjoys the ultimate cheat code: unconditional, cynical Western backing. While the American audience might be tuning out, Germany is more than happy to keep the cameras rolling. Until the West finally cuts the funding, the show must—and will—go on.