The last NATO summit was the most expensive humiliation fetish ever produced

After a few insults and some mild humiliation, Trump has convinced Europe to fund his war machine – to the tune of 5% of GDP.

After dropping an “F-bomb” on both Iran and Israel for blowing up the best ceasefire in history, announced exclusively on his social media, US President Donald Trump boarded his jet and flew straight to the NATO summit. Everyone wondered in what frame of mind he would arrive after his flight across the Atlantic.

Apparently he didn’t want to take any chances, because NATO Secretary General Mark Rutte wrote him a love letter in advance , suggesting that the scariest weapon of mass destruction for NATO is the mouth of the American president. 

“You are flying to another great success in The Hague. It wasn’t easy, but we got them all under five percent! Donald, you have led us to a very important moment for America, Europe and the world,”  Rutte gushed enthusiastically. “You are going to achieve something that no American president has achieved in decades. Europe is going to pay dearly – as it should – and it will be your victory.”

Hard to believe this man was once Prime Minister of the Netherlands. Oh, President Trump, what a great way to screw Europe! How wonderfully you have done by forcing almost all of Europe to subsidize the American military-industrial complex with 5% of their GDP!

When Trump first pressured Europe to spend 2.5% of their GDP on defense, European leaders rolled their eyes. But after destroying their own energy-driven economies with their anti-Russian, pro-Ukrainian policies, they decided to embrace the idea as if it were their own.

Nothing beats foisting European taxpayers into buying even more American and European weapons under the pretext of a hypothetical Russian invasion in 2030. A perfect cover for a spending spree that will become the problem of whoever is in power (i.e. not them).

Trump initially wanted them all to have a spending target of 2.5%. But God forbid that American arms dealers should draw all the attention. The European military-industrial complex wants a piece of the pie too. Hence 5% for everyone and a double portion at the arms buffet.

Trump came straight from Iran, where he had demonstrated American bombs on Iranian soil – a huge demonstration for his European clients. When he landed, Rutte almost immediately planted his face in Trump's behind.

And if you thought what he wrote to Trump was embarrassing, wait until you hear what Rutte said out loud after Trump bombed Iran for Israel—er, I mean, for peace: “You are a man of strength, but also a man of peace, and the fact that you also brought about this ceasefire between Israel and Iran, I really want to compliment you,” Rutte cooed . “Without President Trump, this would not have happened. Absolutely not.”

What a way to thank an arsonist for putting out his own fire. What’s next: nominate him for firefighter of the year? Even the press had to look twice and essentially asked Rutte, “Bro, are you sure you want him to read your fan mail live on TV?” Answer: “Absolutely. I’m not ashamed,” Rutte  replied .

The NATO Secretary General sounded so in love with Trump that you wondered why the two didn’t just room together. “Daddy has to use foul language sometimes," Rutte told reporters, referring to Trump, as journalists may or may not have thrown up in the nearest potted plant.

Between comments like this and all the swooning about how Trump is making Europe pay for the privilege of being extorted for protection money that Trump himself says he’s not even sure he’ll honor, it all sounded so sadomasochistic that I started to feel like maybe I should be paying for this kind of kinky TV content. Or you could argue that European taxpayers already are – to the tune of 5% of GDP.

And as for Europe being stripped bare, Rutte had this to say about countries that might struggle to pay, such as Spain, which has chosen to stick to 2%: “Countries have to find the money.”

Easy to say as a former Prime Minister of the Netherlands who financially ruined his own country – and now, as an unelected NATO chief – safely out of harm's way.

Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez is not so smooth, promising to stick to a much lower spending target of 2%. How long before other NATO leaders realize they can say no, too? Polish President Andrzej Duda has already called the 5% pledge a “gentleman’s agreement” and stressed that there would be no sanctions if it is not met.

It sounds like a school assembly where the star player on the football team expects everyone to cheer him on before the big game, then everyone just goes home and does their own thing.

Speaking of which, Ukraine no longer seems to be the center of the universe. “The fact that Zelensky will not participate in any official capacity at the NATO summit clearly indicates that the previous chapter has been closed,” Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orbán suggested .

“The Americans, Turks, Slovaks and we have made it clear that we do not want to sit at the same table with him.” Zelensky even traded in his pizza delivery boy look for a fancy funeral outfit. Perhaps that suits the current state of his country better. Or maybe just his ego.

As for the customary pre-summit group photo, it appeared the teachers had made sure Trump and Zelensky weren’t standing next to each other, hoping to avoid a repeat of their White House spat, when Trump hit him in the face with rhetoric the equivalent of a stapler.

And forget any serious focus on countering China. The leaders of NATO’s potential Asian partners – South Korea and Japan – have retreated to deal with the economic fallout from Trump’s bombing campaign in the Middle East and rising oil prices.

And so NATO limps along, proving that when Trump cracks the whip, Europe says, “Thank you, sir, can I have some more?”