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Russian jet pilot lands on US carrier, pees on deck, doesn’t wash hands, leaves

Updated: Aug 5, 2023

SATIRE: Crew members aboard the aircraft carrier USS Scott Baio were left shocked on Friday

When without warning, a Russian pilot landed his jet on the carrier’s flight deck, after which he exited the aircraft and urinated on the deck for as long as 45 seconds before returning to his aircraft to take off.

Rear Admiral Josiah Clark says that pilot of the SU-24 Fencer took virtually no notice of the hundred or so American service members who gathered around while he relieved himself.

“We shot him some very disapproving looks, and one lieutenant even shouted ‘that’s gross,’ but either the pilot couldn’t hear us through his helmet or didn’t care,” Clark said.

“Apart from some minor psychological trauma, no one was injured in the incident, and we had the puddle cleaned up within minutes, but obviously we’re not pleased.”

Acting Assistant Navy Undersecretary Brianna Moreno says that she is working with staff to develop rules of engagement in case similar incidents transpire in the future.

“We will not tolerate foreign pilots using our ships as giant porta-potties,” Moreno said. “That said, we need to keep our cool. We don’t exactly want to overreact and start a third world war, either.”

“One solution might be to post signs in Russian, Chinese and other languages stating that unauthorized urination is forbidden, and one sailor came up with the brilliant idea of uploading videos of offenders to YouTube, so that they might be publicly shamed in their home countries,” she said.

This is the second time that the ship, a Nimitz-class supercarrier which was passing through the Levantine Sea at the time of the incident, has been the target of Russian crudeness.

In 2012, it was boarded by rowdy and visibly intoxicated crew members of a passing yacht owned by Moscow billionaire Vasily Stinkilov.

The five stumbling intruders found their way into a galley, removed six dozen eggs, and ran back to their own ship, prompting Senior Chief Brian Cuquehold, who is in charge of food service on the USS Scott Baio, to chase after them to warn that the expiration date had passed.

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