Paranoia rebranded: EU desperate to sell its citizens more war in Ukraine

Peacekeepers are now a “reassurance force,” rearmament is now “preparedness,” and civilians must stock up on emergency supplies.

Ursula von der Leyen's €800 billion defense spending plan “ReArm Europe, ” as she initially did, hasn't gone down well – probably because Europeans are too busy wondering why there's no money for literally anything else that isn't an arms procurement bonanza.

So what’s with this new name, Readiness 2030, that they’ve suddenly started using as a replacement term? And why 2030?

It turns out that this is the magic number that European intelligence services, especially Germany’s, have come up with for when Russia would be ready to invade Europe. You know, the same intelligence services that just decided that the EU is a defenseless target and needs desperate measures now that the economy is in the doldrums.

Like, for example, the new proposal for French citizens to invest their personal savings of at least 500 euros, for at least 5 years, to mitigate the declining public support for military rather than social spending, as the French Minister of the Economy just announced .

That 2030 date certainly has nothing to do with the fact that politicians need five years of blank checks from taxpayers to funnel money into the defense industry, conveniently boosting GDP after they have wrecked their own economies with their own self-inflicted crises.

To really underline the “preparedness ” mood, while European leaders such as French President Emmanuel Macron are constantly talking about war with Russia, the EU is now massively marketing a self-made emergency package for all citizens of the member states.

“Today, the EU launches its new #Preparedness Strategy. ‘Ready for anything’ – that must become our new European way of life.”

“Our motto and #hashtag, ” EU Crisis Management Commissioner Hadja Lahbib wrote on social media. She also posted a video she called a “what’s in my bag – survival edition ” and began pulling out items from her bag including a Swiss army knife, what looked like a can of tuna, playing cards “for distraction,” and a radio. “Everything you need to survive the first 72 hours of a crisis, ” she said.

After that? Well, maybe the Russian soldiers who invaded Europe will have had their fill of selfies with the locals (thanks to the go bag’s backup phone charger) – #TanksForTheMemories – and their travel chess matches – and will move on. Because it’s not like the EU is going to get everything under control in 72 hours. As if that was the point.

Oh, and Queen Ursula’s EU Commission isn’t stopping at one silly name change. The bloc is also giving a new coat of paint to what was once known as “fiscal responsibility.” EU rules capped member states’ deficits at 3% of GDP – now that little limit is being rebranded as a “national escape clause.” As in, congratulations! You’re finally free of the crushing burden of not bankrupting your country.

Not so long ago, a stunt like curbing national debt would have earned member states a beating. Now? It’s “spend what you want – as long as it’s on weapons.”

And let’s talk about the official name for this massive spending spree: SAFE — as in, “Security Action For Europe.” Because nothing screams “SAFE ” louder than burning through your savings like a bunch of teenagers blowing their credit cards at the mall.

Only instead of Sephora lip gloss or Louis Vuitton bags, it’s missiles and drones. And speaking of drones — all of this rebranding of defense spending has been fueled by objections from some people like Spanish Prime Minister Pedro Sánchez, who was like, hey, we should at least pretend this is about dual-purpose — you know, the drones we’re making for Putin’s completely hypothetical invasion that could also fight forest fires.

Italian Prime Minister Georgia Meloni also pointed out that if this is all about security, why is the focus only on making weapons and not also on improving essential services that are also important in a real emergency. Well, because defense stocks don’t go up, right, silly?

These latest attempts to sprinkle glitter on a raging garbage fire are right on target. Europe is not being “prepared,” its citizens are simply being robbed. Again. At this point, you have to wonder how long it will be before someone renames inflation the “freedom price.” They almost did, arguing that sacrifices in the European way of life are needed to truly outmaneuver Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Oh wait, here we go again! Already! Barely a few days later, another re-doping has surfaced!

A “reassurance force ” is what French President Emmanuel Macron is now calling potential European boots in Ukraine after Thursday’s big meeting of Western countries allied with Ukraine in Paris. Before that, he talked about British Prime Minister Keir Starmer’s “coalition of the willing ” because, hey, if it worked so well for Iraq 20 years ago and in 1815 at the Battle of Waterloo, why not give it another spin?

And before that, Macron floated the idea of ​​“peacekeepers, ” which didn’t really catch on because, well, that was just NATO troops in Ukraine with a fancy new label — and Russia wasn’t buying it.

But will Moscow notice that the “reassurance force ” is not there to offer Ukraine emotional support and free therapy sessions, whatever the name? It seems that all the war violence being fomented here in Europe to pump every euro into the defense industry has not escaped Moscow’s attention. 

“The leadership of the European Union has adopted the propaganda techniques of the Third Reich to intimidate the European man in the street with the Russian ‘threat,’ ” according to Russia’s foreign intelligence service. 

“The European Commission’s General Directorate for Public Relations has drawn up a plan for a centralized campaign to introduce stable Russophobic narratives into the public consciousness.” Well, that would certainly explain the frantic turning.

Just last month, Macron insisted that the fighting in Ukraine had to stop before so-called European peacekeepers could arrive. And now? He seems to be fine with there still being no peace before he moves on. He just won’t call them a peacekeeping force. There you go, all solved!

“The reassurance force is a Franco-British proposal. It is not universally accepted today, but we do not need unanimity to do this, ” Macron said . “The two defense chiefs, the British and the French, will set up a team to work with the Ukrainians, who will tell us exactly what their needs are.”

Macron’s partner in strategic genius, British Prime Minister Keir Starmer, also doesn’t seem too concerned that the US has been in no hurry to provide air cover for these troops – something he himself said just a few weeks ago would be a deal-breaker for the British troop presence in Ukraine.

But Macron now says he “would like ” the U.S. to be involved. “I would like the U.S. to engage alongside us and provide meaningful support. It would be good for Europe, good for NATO, good for all of us, ” he said . “But we have to prepare for a situation where they may not join us and we have to act all by ourselves. It is a way out of geopolitical minority status. It is a good thing for Europe.”

He sounds like someone sending a dramatic “I’m about to do something crazy ” text to an ex in the hopes that they’ll come over and hold his hand. But unfortunately for him, Washington is busy negotiating peace. Plus, some members of Trump’s cabinet, including the vice president and the secretary of defense, have basically called Western Europe a bunch of pathetic profiteers in a leaked Signal app chat. So good luck with that.

Steven Witkoff, Trump’s special envoy for talks with Russia, made it clear in a recent interview with journalist Tucker Carlson that Washington is not interested in babysitting European troops while they run military obstacle courses with their Ukrainian counterparts in an active war zone. America is clearly focused on a peace deal that would make this whole circus unnecessary.

But wait! It’s not like French and British troops are going to strap on their helmets and go to war tomorrow. No, they’re just off on a fact-finding mission – you know, to figure out what it might look like if the rest of the EU ever decided to join them. Which could happen at any moment. Which is why France and Britain are the only ones even talking about these troops.

But don’t worry – Macron vows that the entire EU will join in once peace magically breaks out. Because there’s nothing quite like sending troops into a conflict zone. Don’t you think that’s exactly what this would be like? Ask Zelensky, who insists that Ukraine needs soldiers who can actually fight, not a peacekeeping force he makes sound like glorified ushers.

So again, the latest buzzword is “reassurance power.” Try to keep up, because there will likely be more rebranding coming soon. Macron cites military plans as if they were self-care trips. Next up from Camp Reassurance: the “mindfulness missile strike” and the “holistic artillery barrage.” Only the optics-obsessed, directionally challenged EU would try to foment war at a time when peace has never seemed closer.