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Open letter to his excellency, Volodymyr Zelensky, President of Ukraine

Updated: Mar 14

Romania gave us Vlad the Impaler but Ukraine has lumbered us with you, Vlad the Imposter.

Dear Clown Prince Zelensky,

I hope life is going well for you, your wife, your daughter Oleksandra, your son Kyrylo, as well as the two dogs, the cat, the parrot and the guinea pig you keep as pets.

First off, I am glad your Ukrainian fact-checkers (ha ha) confirmed Oleksandra did not call you a Nazi for such a charge against you and your pet pig, mein Führer, even from your own flesh und Blut, would be as unthinkable as suggesting that all those tattooed thugs you employ to strap Untermenschen to lampposts and loot their churches are anything other than the pride of Lviv.

Speaking of Lviv, I see the Red Cross there are playing with Team Zelensky by strapping Christians to lamposts. As the Red Cross is one of the world’s richest NGOs and as the salaries they pay to their Swiss-based staff are amongst the world’s highest, could you not demand that they top up your Swiss bank account by giving you a greater share of their action not only in Lviv but throughout all of your lovely fatherland?

As an acclaimed and well-endowed (financially at least) actor, I am sure you have seen The Third Man, where Harry Lime steals penicillin from military hospitals in post war Vienna, dilutes it, then sells it on the black market where it injures or kills countless Austrian infants.

Could you or your brave Azovs who ran all those money laundering scams from Mariupol not do something similar? I pine that surrogate births have plummeted with the tens of millions who have fled your realm but, because you must still have huge cocaine bills to pay, those who cannot escape your clutches must be made to carry yet more of the burden.

I am assuming, in my innocence of such matters, your cocaine needs are not thrown in as a sweetener with all that Captagon your troops are made devour to fire them up. It did work wonders with NATO’s brave head-hackers in Syria, who could hack heads for days on end without even a toilet break and I am sure it works the same with your Wehrmacht.

I wouldn’t worry too much about your critics as they are just jealous of your Churchillian greatness. He had his Havana cigars and his French cognac. You have your Colombian coke and your plagiarized speeches, for which you have been rightly honored with the Honorary Diploma of the Cabinet Ministers of Ukraine, the Czech Republic’s Order of the White Lion (LOL), Lithuania’s Order of Vytautas The Great with the Golden Flush Chain, Poland’s Order of the White Eagle, America’s Tipple of Hope and Profile in Courage (LOL) Awards and Britain’s Sir Winston Churchill’s Leadership Award.

Churchill, as your MI5 handlers know, won the 1953 Nobel Prize for Literature “for his mastery of historical and biographical description as well as for brilliant oratory in defending exalted human values”, for his blustery speeches and gassing Iraqi Kurds in other words.

And former POTUS Obama won the 2009 Nobel Peace Prize for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples” even though he had done absolutely nothing of relevance up to that point (or, indeed, afterwards) to warrant such a bribe.

And, as the International Committee of the Red Cross who are, you will agree, doing such good work putting manners on the Untermenschen of Lviv, have won it an extraordinary three times, surely you cannot be over-looked for those and other lucrative prizes in this Year of Our Lord (if you’ll excuse that expression) 2023.

As the prizes are worth about 10 million Swedish krona, some $1 million apiece, it goes without saying that there are no worthier candidates than you, your family and your pet pig. Time to call in the Norwegian and Swedish ambassadors and give them a tongue lashing?

And, as Norway is awash with cash, thanks in no small part to their help in blowing up the Nord Stream pipeline, they should really contribute a lot more to your retirement fund and that of your family.

Speaking of family, could you not do more to get your daughter, Oleksandra, who will be 19 on July 15th, and Kyrylo, your 10 year-old son, onto some major scam or other?

Sweden’s Greta Thunberg was a veteran environmental scammer by the age of 19 and Kyrylo should be the face of Ukrainian innocence that makes millions of little Western boys and girls unlock their piggy banks to fatten up his one, after you take your cut, of course.

How about Kyrylo blaming all the depleted uranium the Anglo-Saxons are saturating Ukraine with on Putin and asking the world’s children to send him money to save him, his big sister and their little pet pig? I hate to harp on about this but you must devise new cash flows for when your earlier scams dry up.

I see, incidentally, in 2020, you ordered your rump Reich to withdraw from the Committee on the Exercise of the Inalienable Rights of the Palestinian People and that the Palestinian Authority has not taken a public position on your war with Russia. Is there not some way you and Israel could squeeze a few more shekels out of the Palestinians over that by demanding, for example, that the Russian Orthodox Cathedral in Jerusalem and its vast monastery in Hebron be turned into R&R brothels for the Azov Waffen SS until the Palestinians submit?

I know that Putin apologists, penniless Christians and the like, would argue that such restorative actions would be unjust and they would compare it to the way you persecute Gonzalo Lira, uncooperative Communists and so many other captives who live by your sufferance alone but you should impress on the world that, as holding those prisoners costs money, if those Christians, Communists and sundry other flotsam don’t pony up, darker solutions will have to be considered.

And then there is, as your Defense Ministry has recently declared, that you have made Ukraine and your conscripted lemmings the ideal testing ground for the West’s wonder weapons. Not your fault that the Russians have better weapons and tactics but the point is that NATO should be paying more for the privilege of using your conscripts as cannon fodder. At day’s end, all this is, just as the Mafia’s Godfather says, only business.

But, on that same theme, Don Zelensky, because you are not a wartime councilor, I respectfully submit that you should keep your childish battle tactics advice to yourself and your coke-snorting buddies. This is not to say you don’t have a role. You do, just as Dennis Hopper had in Apocalypse Now, or Al Pacino did playing Tony Montana in Scarface.

But, truth be told, your critics say you more resemble Bette Davis in Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?, where she plays a thoroughly spiteful Hollywood has been. As you love dressing up in women’s clothes, such a role might better suit you.

Sunset Boulevard might be an even better fit as you could replace Gloria Swanson, who plays Norma Desmond, a faded film star who lives in her own deranged fantasy world, fraudster William Holden, or indeed both but not Erich von Stroheim, who plays Max, the devoted butler who is Desmond’s only link to reality, just as your MI5 and CIA handlers do their best to keep you grounded into some semblance of reality.

Romania gave us Vlad the Impaler but Ukraine has lumbered us with you, Vlad the Imposter. You have done well for a tenth grade, coked up porno actor, who has lost any connection with the real world that the 500,000+ Russian soldiers straining to pounce on you personify.

It is time for you to now play another role, the same one forlorn former Venezuelan strongman (ha ha) Juan Guaidó now plays to his High School classmates in Tony Montana’s old stomping ground of sunny Florida.

Take your family, your pet pig, your parrot, your cat and your ill-gotten gains and get out of Ukraine and never return. There is, in Ukraine, an end game approaching, and, as Alec Guinness, playing the role of Prince Faisal, tells Lawrence of Arabia, that is the work of mature adults, not of porno actors like you, your parrot or your pet pig.

And so, as General Allenby tells Lawrence, God Speed, good riddance, go back to your porno acting and, as they say, break a leg or more.

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